Sunday, October 14, 2007

What to do if You Suspect Your Spouse of Cheating on You

1. Get a journal and write down everything that makes you suspect your spouse of cheating, no matter how trivial it seems. You need to see this on paper to determine whether or not you have valid cause for concern.

Don’t discount gut feelings. My research over the years indicates that what most people consider to be, intuition, a hunch or a gut feeling is actually their subconscious mind picking up subtle signs of infidelity. And studies bear that out. In one infidelity study, 85% of the women who suspected their mate of cheating turned out to be right. But you need proof before you can confront your mate.

2. Discreetly search for signs of infidelity. At this stage, you don’t need a private investigator or fancy surveillance equipment. All you need are your own eyes and ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. Knowing what to look for is the key. There are 21 categories of telltale signs, so focus on each of these 21 areas of concern.

I have a free special report entitled Is Your Spouse Cheating? – 21 Ways to Tell, which describes each of these 21 areas of concern. Request your personal copy by e-mailing with cheating spouse 21-b in the subject line. If you’re not sure what to look for, invest in a copy of Is He Cheating on You – 829 Telltale Signs, which lists practically every known sign of infidelity, including the subtle signs people usually overlook. Despite the title, most of the signs covered in the book apply to cheating women as well as cheating men.

3. Document the signs you find in a journal over the next couple of weeks. Actually, once you know what to look for, it won’t even take that long. As objectively as possible, carefully review everything you’ve written down in the journal, looking for patterns of behavior, discrepancies in stories, suspicious behavior or occurrences that match certain dates. Upon careful examination , you may find that certain signs of infidelity always appear together.

For example, you may notice that your husband’s cell phone malfunctions only on the nights he works late. Or that your wife always wears her sexiest lingerie when she goes to visit a sick friend and that when she returns home she heads straight for the shower. What if it occasionally takes your partner 2 hours to walk the dog instead the usual half hour? On closer examination, you may find that these 2 hour walks only occur on Monday night. The movie date on the ticket stubs found in your partner’s pocket or purse may correspond with the date of the Saturday your partner had to go into the office to complete a special project.

Look for patterns. Document everything you find, so that when you sit down to confront your cheating spouse or significant other about the affair, you have proof.

4. Confront your cheating spouse. No, -- not in a physical or an argumentative way. What you’re going to do is carefully choose a time and place, and calmly inform your mate that you know about the affair. Never confront a cheating spouse or significant other without proof, a plan and a purpose. Instead of asking your mate if he or she is cheating, (and risk having the conversation come to a dead-end because of the lie your cheating spouse will inevitably tell), inform him or her that you know about the affair.

Back up your statement with selected proof from your journal. But don’t tell them everything you know. Then ask the cheater questions that will help you to fill in the blanks, determine their attitude about the affair, and the depth of their feelings for the person they’re cheating with. This is the only way you can accurately assess the situation and make an intelligent decision about what to do next.

5. Consider all your options and decide on a course of action. After you confront your cheating spouse – and it may take several discussions to get all the facts you need, take a few days to carefully consider all your options. What is it in your best interests to do? Is it possible to salvage the marriage or relationship and get it back on track? Or is it a lost cause? Based on your discussion with your partner, does the cheater deserve a second chance? Or should you cut your losses and move on?

Don’t be influenced by the well-meaning advice of friends or relatives who think they know what you should do. You are the only one who can decide what’s best for you. You are the one who will have to live with the consequences of your choice.

Don’t be afraid to seek legal or financial advice if you need it. If you decide on a legal course of action, you may now want to hire a private investigator to obtain court-admissible proof. Gather as much information as you need, weigh all the facts, then make your final choice.

Unless your spouse is asking for a divorce, don’t feel that you have to take action right away. What you do about a cheating spouse, and when you do it is entirely up to you. You may need to delay taking action until you put certain legal or financial safeguards in place. That’s why you don’t want to be the last one to know.

So if you suspect you have a cheating spouse or significant other:

  • Discreetly -- and IMMEDIATELY - search for signs of infidelity to either disprove or confirm what you suspect.
  • If it turns out that you were mistaken, no one will be the wiser, and you will at least have set your mind as ease.
  • Confront the cheater when you’re ready, at a time of place of your choosing
    after weighing all the facts and considering all the options, decide on the best course of action to take.

Be sure you know what to look for. Get the free special report entitled Is Your Spouse Cheating? – 21 Ways to Tell. For your free copy, by e-mail with Cheating Spouse 21-b in the subject line.

For more information about cheating spouses, signs of infidelity, and extramarital affairs visit

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